Saturday, June 6, 2009

A Loss for words

Have you ever had one of those days where you had a funny unexplainable feeling that this would be one of those life changing moments? I had that feeling the week before we left for vacation. I was really sick and still trying to pack up and make all the last minute preparations for the foster kids at the house. I didn't do so well with getting the house ready for our return, but our sitter is used to my messes and hopefully will let me slide...again. Without my mom spending two days with me we wouldn't have made it out like we did. Anyway, back to that feeling. I kept going from excitement over going on our first family vacation together (we usually "vacation" with family because we live so far from them) to sick to my stomach dread over how in the world Abby was going to last with all the changes of new people, new places, and not to mention the 24 hour car ride there. And if my worries about her weren't enough I couldn't imagine the baby would take to kindly to all the changes either. I thought we were headed for a piece of hell on earth with our pie in the sky first ever Moore family vacation event.

We originally had planned to take someone with us when we went like we usually do, but it fell through and I somehow had the urge to just have a true family vacation. I earnestly wanted to not have someone else around. It seems kind of crazy with the episodes from "totally crazy Abby" we've been experiencing in the past couple months, but as much as we feel blessed to have the help with her it is sometimes exhausting to have someone else around all the time. I feel like a museum where people come and go all the time with little or no privacy and our lives on constant display for all to see.

With a whirlwind of our typical chaos we headed out Thursday night around 8:30pm. We hadn't been on the road more than 10 min when Annabelle said she didn't feel well, I grabbed an almost empty tupperware of fresh fruit and she threw up in it twice. After a short stop to Grandma's house to clean out the car, grab a clean bucket and towel, we decided to go on or we knew we'd never get out.

Thankfully that didn't set the precident for our trip. The next week somehow changed us in ways we're not fully able to even process now at this time. Abby was a different child. Sure she left her mark on all the family, but thoroughly enjoyable are the words that come to mind when I describe her this past week. She swam, sat, played and kissed all week. She had her moments, but they were the exception rather than the rule. She giggled. Not just the "I can't control myself random giggle," but the belly laugh at something appropriate giggle. If you've never seen it, it is truly something to behold. Not only did she laugh, but she smiled. She sat next to me without ripping my eyes out. she kissed the baby again. She sat and played and seemed to love all the commotion going on around her. This wasn't a quiet vacation. There were twenty some people living in a beach house together. It was noisy and chaotic. We were busy, but not crazy busy. I mean we were busy going to the beach and down to the pool, but she wasn't just content there, but also when we just sat around and visited. The television didn't even throw her into a manic state because it wasn't her singing and dancing vegetables.

A random blessing. Possibly an "...above and beyond all I could ask or imagine..." moment, or what else ? We've spent the first twelve hours of our trip home hashing what just took place in our lives and we're kind of scared to go back home in fear of what she'll become there. Why in the world would a host of common "crazy triggers" be calming? I've got nothing other than an act of God and a topic for a host of more discussions. I don't know what it all means, but I do know that if "Happy Abby" can be at the beach then she still does exist. We just have to figure out what brings her out and make it happen. I didn't know she was in there somewhere. I was starting to think she was a thing of the past, and I needed to get over it and move forward with the angry girl she left in her place. A glimpse of her back in our lives has put us on a quest to find her and keep her. In the meantime "..I'll praise the God who gives and takes away..."

1 comment:

  1. "If peace, if realized for only a moment, is realized. Then complete peace is for certain."

    Your future is what is best for your family, in wherever/whatever that may be. I love you buckets!


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